An idea of this thread has come into my mind recently.
So, let's go!
1. - Did you hear my friend John has been fired?
- Yep, I've just heard it. Apparently he's failed a save, or something.
2. - What is the most useless thing in the world?
- The ring of infravision.
3. [spoiler=because of the size]
(from http://www.ironworksforum.com/forum/showthread.php?t=2043):
There are three Flaming Fist Mercenaries on horseback out in the river bottoms. As they are riding along a small wounded gibberling runs out in front of them. It stops and turns their way.
The poor gibberling was mortally wounded (slash through the midsection by a long sword +1).
This was no oridinary gibberling, it spoke Common. The three FF mercenaries were astonished and dumbfounded when they heard this.
The gibberling said, "If you help me, I will grant you three wishes, or if you kill me a great death will come upon you."
The FF mercenaries decided to take the lawful way, and help out the poor monster. They took it to the local healer (Temple of Helm) and he gladly helped out anything in need.
After it was all cleaned up it was about to leave. Than it turned to the FF mercenaries and said, "about the three wishes, you must split them up between you; only 1 wish apiece."
The FF mercenaries were not happy; they thought they were getting 3 wishes apiece. The mercenaries were all different in one way. One of them was very fat, the other was a tall and skinny man, and the last was small and fat.
The gibberling then said, "I can see that you are not happy with my decision, but I will give you two days to decide." Once you have decided I will be waiting here for you," said the gibberling.
The mercenaries left and talked on their way back to their houses. "I dont think that is fair, we cared for that little beast and this is how it repays us," said the fat one. "Yea, I say we get the wishes and then we kill it for sport," said the tall one. The small and plump one was happy unlike the others, because he was a poor halfling with a bad house and job (being a FF mercenary must suck).
As they split up to go their seperate ways they waved good-bye. The tall one went to the left, fat one the middle, and halfling the right.
The next morning the local town crier was distributing the newspaper called the Elven Classic. The fat and halfling mercenaries met in the town square where he was. They asked for a newspaper to check out teh local problems. There on the front page, read in large letters "FLAMING FIST MERCENARY MURDERED"
At the site of this, the fat and halfling mercenaries started to panick. They went to their friends house.. and to their suprise there were many guards out in front. They went up and asked one of them what had happened here. He said that the FF mercenary inside was murdered during the night. They said his head was shoved though a wall with slash marks over his body. The FF mercenaries were scared out of their wits that they ran all the way back to the town square.
By this time it was turning darker, and the sky turned a deeper blue. "I better get home soon, incase my wife needs me," said the fat one. The halfling split up and went his own way to his house. As he entered the door he locked it and checked all the windows. He got in bed with his sword and shield by his side. He got up in the morning to find his body was still intact. He went outside with his armor on. He then went to the town square to meet his friend.
Today was the day he would get his wish he thought as he headed to meet his friend. He arrived and did not find his friend inside the town square. There the town crier was selling more newspapers. The halfling bought one and AGAIN on the front read "ANOTHER FLAMING FIST MERCENARY MURDERED".
The little halfling was shocked and at this he ran over to his friends house. There in front were some more guards. He couldn't believe that his only friends had been murdered by some beast. He than thought of the Temple of Helm and his wish. He ran over there as fast as he could. There just as he said so the gibberling had waited for them.
"Where have you been, its late in the day and I must get going," said the gibberling. "Sorry to be late, but my friends were murdered in the night," said the Halfling. "Sorry to hear that *snicker* *snicker* I hope you are ready for your THREE wishes now that your friends are gone," replied the gibberling. "Really!? I get three wishes now! Cool!," said the halfling.
At that the halfling used up two of his wishes, one on a new house and the other on the strongest shield and sword in the land. On his last wish he thought very hard, and decided to bring his friends back from the dead. At these last words the gibberling casted the spell/wish and his friends appeared in front of him. Just as he did this the gibberling said his good-byes.
He ran off down the ridge and over the hill out of sight. The halfling asked his friends if they were feeling ok. They replied in unison,"We are fine, but we still remember what killed us. In the faint shadows we could see that it was a small beast the size of a gibbe...OH MY GOD! YOU LET THE BEAST GO!!!."
At those words, they glanced the way that the gibberling had ran. "Do you think the wound that that gibberling had was from a sword of an unhappy customer?" said the Halfling. "We shall never speak of this again," they all said together. Was it the gibberling who had done the carnage? Or was it another monster still lurkering in the city limits?
[/spoiler]
BTW, once upon a time, there was a similar thread here: http://forum.baldursgate.com/discussion/16145/share-your-baldurs-gate-d-d-jokes
So, let's go!
1. - Did you hear my friend John has been fired?
- Yep, I've just heard it. Apparently he's failed a save, or something.
2. - What is the most useless thing in the world?
- The ring of infravision.
3. [spoiler=because of the size]
(from http://www.ironworksforum.com/forum/showthread.php?t=2043):
There are three Flaming Fist Mercenaries on horseback out in the river bottoms. As they are riding along a small wounded gibberling runs out in front of them. It stops and turns their way.
The poor gibberling was mortally wounded (slash through the midsection by a long sword +1).
This was no oridinary gibberling, it spoke Common. The three FF mercenaries were astonished and dumbfounded when they heard this.
The gibberling said, "If you help me, I will grant you three wishes, or if you kill me a great death will come upon you."
The FF mercenaries decided to take the lawful way, and help out the poor monster. They took it to the local healer (Temple of Helm) and he gladly helped out anything in need.
After it was all cleaned up it was about to leave. Than it turned to the FF mercenaries and said, "about the three wishes, you must split them up between you; only 1 wish apiece."
The FF mercenaries were not happy; they thought they were getting 3 wishes apiece. The mercenaries were all different in one way. One of them was very fat, the other was a tall and skinny man, and the last was small and fat.
The gibberling then said, "I can see that you are not happy with my decision, but I will give you two days to decide." Once you have decided I will be waiting here for you," said the gibberling.
The mercenaries left and talked on their way back to their houses. "I dont think that is fair, we cared for that little beast and this is how it repays us," said the fat one. "Yea, I say we get the wishes and then we kill it for sport," said the tall one. The small and plump one was happy unlike the others, because he was a poor halfling with a bad house and job (being a FF mercenary must suck).
As they split up to go their seperate ways they waved good-bye. The tall one went to the left, fat one the middle, and halfling the right.
The next morning the local town crier was distributing the newspaper called the Elven Classic. The fat and halfling mercenaries met in the town square where he was. They asked for a newspaper to check out teh local problems. There on the front page, read in large letters "FLAMING FIST MERCENARY MURDERED"
At the site of this, the fat and halfling mercenaries started to panick. They went to their friends house.. and to their suprise there were many guards out in front. They went up and asked one of them what had happened here. He said that the FF mercenary inside was murdered during the night. They said his head was shoved though a wall with slash marks over his body. The FF mercenaries were scared out of their wits that they ran all the way back to the town square.
By this time it was turning darker, and the sky turned a deeper blue. "I better get home soon, incase my wife needs me," said the fat one. The halfling split up and went his own way to his house. As he entered the door he locked it and checked all the windows. He got in bed with his sword and shield by his side. He got up in the morning to find his body was still intact. He went outside with his armor on. He then went to the town square to meet his friend.
Today was the day he would get his wish he thought as he headed to meet his friend. He arrived and did not find his friend inside the town square. There the town crier was selling more newspapers. The halfling bought one and AGAIN on the front read "ANOTHER FLAMING FIST MERCENARY MURDERED".
The little halfling was shocked and at this he ran over to his friends house. There in front were some more guards. He couldn't believe that his only friends had been murdered by some beast. He than thought of the Temple of Helm and his wish. He ran over there as fast as he could. There just as he said so the gibberling had waited for them.
"Where have you been, its late in the day and I must get going," said the gibberling. "Sorry to be late, but my friends were murdered in the night," said the Halfling. "Sorry to hear that *snicker* *snicker* I hope you are ready for your THREE wishes now that your friends are gone," replied the gibberling. "Really!? I get three wishes now! Cool!," said the halfling.
At that the halfling used up two of his wishes, one on a new house and the other on the strongest shield and sword in the land. On his last wish he thought very hard, and decided to bring his friends back from the dead. At these last words the gibberling casted the spell/wish and his friends appeared in front of him. Just as he did this the gibberling said his good-byes.
He ran off down the ridge and over the hill out of sight. The halfling asked his friends if they were feeling ok. They replied in unison,"We are fine, but we still remember what killed us. In the faint shadows we could see that it was a small beast the size of a gibbe...OH MY GOD! YOU LET THE BEAST GO!!!."
At those words, they glanced the way that the gibberling had ran. "Do you think the wound that that gibberling had was from a sword of an unhappy customer?" said the Halfling. "We shall never speak of this again," they all said together. Was it the gibberling who had done the carnage? Or was it another monster still lurkering in the city limits?
[/spoiler]
BTW, once upon a time, there was a similar thread here: http://forum.baldursgate.com/discussion/16145/share-your-baldurs-gate-d-d-jokes
Flat percentage, though DMs had optional and very poor rule to adjust for enemy Hit Dice, was just rubbish (and hey I'm a DM and used to adore playing 1st/2nd ed...until their limitations bugged me to hell.)
That otyugh-odour would also make it even more foul than the worst back-alley tavern you can think of.
